I hate running. I always have and always will. I say that my legs were created too short in order to be a good runner. Which usually works as an excuse for people. I remember in elementary school, we’d have to run a mile once a week. It was my least favourite day of the week. I dreaded it.
Running has become one of the things I’m best at. Not the exercise kind of running (I wish). I just… Run.
I was forced from Texas to Ontario, but I got a fresh start. One I didn’t know I needed so badly. I feel like that began the downhill battle. When I went to visit my dad in South Dakota, I got a fresh start every summer, because I never kept up with the friends from the previous summers. The moment I could leave the small town I went to high school in, I ran to Waterloo. I spent one year at the University of Waterloo and did poorly and was a big ball of anxiety. I ran to Bible College in Kitchener, which wasn’t really much of a run, but definitely a start-over. Then I ran to South Dakota.
I’m scared. I’m honestly petrified of staying in one place for too long. I’m already planning on the places that I’ll go to once I graduate. Is it because I want to see the world? As much as I do, I know that this isn’t because of that.
Maybe it’s because I’ve realized how temporary most relationships (platonic and romantic) can be. It’s better if I leave them before we hurt each other or they leave me.
I’m stuck in this awful feeling of “I want a re-start! They’re going to get to know me too well! I’m going to have to tell them things that I don’t want them to know soon! I can’t let that happen! Plus, there’s already things that I’d re-do if I could restart this do-over. So I have to leave.” and “I’m so tired of running. I just want to find a place that I can fall in love with. I just want to find a place where I feel like home.”.
I ache for something that I’ve never had before. And I don’t know how to get there. This feeling of belonging and home. This feeling that I won’t need to run. The feeling that I can let myself get close, because I’m not going to leave them in 4 years or less.
I feel myself opening up, but I fear that I’ve mastered opening up without getting close. Or figuring out what things I’m willing to let go and what I’m not. What things can I let someone keep when I leave and what do I have to carry along with me?
I hate this, but I don’t know how to do anything else.