Yesterday, I felt a panic attack coming on and so I took extra meds for the first time. With the last of my anxious energy, I cleaned the entire house. Once they kicked in, I put music on and just laid on the floor.
I just laid there and stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, but I believe it was only 45 minutes. In that time, I felt no shaking. My heart was beating normally. I could breathe. I searched my brain for any worries or issues that I had. I tried so hard to find something that was wrong.
There was nothing.
For the first time in more than seven years, I felt no anxiety. Nothing. No nagging in the back of my head, no thoughts about how terrible I am, no need to fidget, no wondering what I should be doing, no feeling like I need to run and hide… Nothing.
I was okay for the first time in a very long time.
Medication is scary, don’t get me wrong. I cried the first time I took it and have almost cried every time since in feeling like a failure. I mean, as a 21 year old, this is not where I expected my life to be. It messes with your system and makes you feel a little strange. You can tell once the medication has worn off. But you surround yourself with people who love you regardless. Who will help you back up when your meds stop. Who will try their best to understand you.
Who will share in the strange joy you have of not feeling like you’re dying for the first time in more than seven years and allow you to continue laying on the floor and basking in it.