Derealization

de·re·al·i·za·tion
dēˌrē(ə)ləˈzāSHən/
noun
  1. a feeling that one’s surroundings are not real, especially as a symptom of mental disturbance.

I’ve written a lot about my anxiety and depression as I try to sort through it. It’s always been kind of scary. It’s always been an unknown. It always will be an unknown I think.

Derealization is something that I’ve experienced so many times, but didn’t realize that there was a term for it until I had a REALLY bad experience and told about it and he made me feel less alone.

My bad experience showed me how scary my anxiety can get.

In my apartment building, the laundry is coin operated and you have to go outside and to the other side of the building to get to it. I was putting my laundry in, socks but no shoes and no coat (which wasn’t very smart of me for being in South Dakota in March) as I usually do. As I walked back to my apartment, I couldn’t recognize what I was doing. It’s so hard to explain. As my legs took one step in front of the other, I couldn’t feel it, but I also could. The feelings I felt were foreign, but I also knew them so well. The same concrete I had walked across countless times before to get to the laundry room. The same wind I had felt sting my face since October. But it was also entirely different.

I had this compelling feeling to be anywhere but in my apartment. I knew that I was getting picked up to leave for my mission trip in less than an hour, I needed to finish up packing and I had also just made tea, so it really made no sense to go anywhere else. But I walked past my door anyways and laid down in the grass and stared at the stars. I later got restless, got up, and decided that I needed to go on a walk. Mind you, I’m still in my socks. I also don’t know how to explain it well, but these decisions didn’t feel made by me. I walked around the block, at some points I went into full out sprint, and I eventually made it back to the apartment to lay down on the floor with my tea until I came back to reality.

Being uncertain if you even have control over your own mind is terrifying. Everyone wants to have control over something, but to not even be able to connect with your reality… It was one of the scariest experiences I’ve had with my anxiety, and I’ve had some terrifying moments.

I’m not sure how to deal with it or what the solution is to this, but I Just wanted to write this so that maybe someone will find it and feel less alone. To convince them that it’ll be okay.

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