I’m Trying

Have you ever thought “I wonder what’s wrong with me”? This thought has been running laps in my head more that usual lately.

For those of you who are unaware of my history, I am currently at my third school in three years and I’m on my sixth major. I’ve created an image around this. I’ve made myself into a person who doesn’t know what she wants, is spontaneous, a little air head-y, and just giggly. It’s not like none of this is true, I don’t know what I want and I just bought a fish for no good reason a week ago (his name is The Most Excellent Theophilius, and he’s a red beta fish who I love very much).

I am just this forgetful, procrastinating, feeling too much, not aggressive enough, laughs too much, jokes too much, not smart enough, too unsure about the right things, but too sure about the wrong things neurotic mess. Maybe no one else sees this but me. Maybe this is all in my head, but I greatly doubt it.

I make my mark on being the girl who moves too much and doesn’t have a home. It’s actually a running joke in my friends that I can pick where I’m from on a given day depending on how I’m feeling.

I just feel like my passions are so much more than this. I just feel like all of this makes sense in my head, but I can’t get it out. So I just look like a confused person who can’t make up her mind. Maybe even stupid. I can’t even properly explain it to my mom.

Why can’t I just find something and stick with it? Why can’t I like school? Why can’t I be passionate about something that’s easier to pursue or at least more straight forward than the path that I’m on now…

I’m thinking about taking some time off and then probably going to a nearby tech school for human services technician with a specialty in youth. It’s only two years.

But again, I’m just the flighty girl who can’t stay anywhere too long. I’m just the girl who runs around without a care in the world.

If that’s so, why does my heart feel so heavy with disappointment? Why do I feel like I need to apologize to everyone? Why am I so confused? Why do I just want somewhere to belong? Why do I feel so purposeless?

I’m trying so hard, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I just end up unhappy and doing something I’m not in love with.

Maybe one day I`ll figure this life out. Maybe.

 

Genuinely,
Carrie

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