As I sit here and realize that I’m not good enough, a series of emotions pour into me.
One is despair. How will I ever succeed in this world? How will I get anyone to fall in love with me? How will I get a job? How will I keep friends? How will anything good happen to me? Maybe they won’t. Maybe I’m just perpetually screwed as I continually make mistakes. Maybe I’ll fail more classes, say the wrong thing, upset people, and just generally not be enough in every way for the rest of my existence. I mean, this would explain a lot. I have no recognizable talents. I’m not drop dead gorgeous by society’s standards. My laugh is too loud, I’m clingy, but somehow also flaky. I have no real ambition currently. All I seem to offer is the occasional pun or one liner. This despair sits in my heart. It changes the way I see everything. It often dominates every other feeling. It leads me to not eat and throw up what I do eat. It leads me to not want to exist. It leads to me wondering what on earth my purpose could possibly be. How could a life this messed up and spiraling ever be salvaged. I personally have no idea.
But here’s there’s more. There’s another thing that stirs around in my mind. It often gets swallowed by despair – despair always seems to know the pitch to scream at so it’s the only one heard. This thing brings me joy whenever I can remember it. I have a faith that I’m trying so hard to cling to. This faith is in Jesus. If you are unaware of who Jesus is, please let me explain to you who He is and who He is to me. And then please go find out for yourself how beautiful He is. He lived thousands of years ago. He was a carpenter and didn’t appear to be anything special. But He was and is the Son of God. He lived a perfect life and knew no sin. He was the the human embodiment of true love. He showed us how to live in a way that would fully glorify God. He put people in their places and showed people where their priorities should lie. He showed how big of a heart problem sin is. He was love and perfection. But He stepped on people’s toes and got righteously angry due to His great love of God. People in power became uneasy and, just like with every other man that claimed to be the one and true Messiah, He was crucified on a cross. Even though no one could find a single reason. This sounds like a story of despair, but it’s from from over, for three days later He was alive. He showed Himself to His disciples. He ate with them and loved them before going to be at the right hand of the Father.
You may ask “Carrie, why did He have to die?” Well, if you are asking that, I’m so glad! God is a just God, which means that He can’t just let sin be swept under the rug and forgotten. That’s why people in the Old Testament did sacrifices. Consequences must be had for sin. Sin is so atrocious and awful to God. But we could never measure up, so He graciously sent Jesus to be the One and only sacrifice we’d ever need. To fulfill the law.
Now all of this is beautiful and lovely and I can think of absolutely nothing better to bring me joy and hope. But I think that the part of the crucifixion account that gives me goosebumps is the phrase Jesus says just before He takes His final breath. “It is finished.” It’s so simple, only three words. Why does this hit me the hardest? Because it’s done. There’s nothing else that can be done or that needs to be done. There’s nothing I need to do and nothing I can do to finish my salvation. The grace came from the cross and finished at the cross.
So when despair grips my heart and I think about all of the things I have done wrong in the past and that I’ll get wrong in the future, I try to remember this truth. If I question if this action of love is enough for my sins, I’m saying that God isn’t big enough.
And my loves, He is so so big. Bigger than all of your fears and bigger than all of your mistakes. Please take rest in that. Come running to your Father who loves you so.
As always, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me!