If you came here for a sappy love story, I’m sorry to disappoint. This story is full of grief and hurt and pain. It’s full of hurt feelings and affairs. It contains some things that I still haven’t come to terms with, but I feel that they need to get out in the open. Don’t despair, this is also a story full of pursuit, love, and redemption like no other.
My favourite love story is the one where Jesus loves me.
Growing up, I just saw church on a thing for special occasions and when we visited family. It wasn’t for our family. We were fine on our own.
Little did I know that He was already getting ready to use me. It was a miracle I was born as my mother has lupus and my father didn’t want kids in the first place. It was a miracle I was born with no disabilities and with no known genetic diseases. I was born perfectly healthy besides jaundice and a head in the 90th percentile (I wish I was exaggerating or kidding for my mother’s sake, but I’m not). He was already working together things so He could use me. So He could bring glory to Himself and bring His Kingdom to the broken.
But I was so oblivious. Ignorant. I didn’t want to see it. I was a happy child who would see VeggieTales every once in a while. I was a good kid, I prayed with my mom. Nothing special.
At 11, I was in my grandparent’s church and they did an altar call. In this altar call, they promised pure joy and happiness like no other. I had seen my mom worshiping before and she looked happiest when she was. I wanted this happiness. I was always an anxious child and wanted all of the happiness help I could get. I prayed the prayer after the pastor and told my grandma. I was rewarded with ice cream and was told that I was going to get baptized by my Anglican minister uncle that summer.
While this was going to be a step in the right direction, I was not wanting Jesus for the right reasons. I wanted Him for completely selfish things. But I made my mom take me to church because that seemed like the right thing to do and my friends talked about how much fun it was. I loved church. I was there any time the doors were open. I just couldn’t get enough. I didn’t know why, but I just loved it. I truly believe that in this time, He was preparing my heart and trying to get me to see Him for who He really was, but I was blind.
When my parent’s divorced when I was 14, I saw this as something the God I wanted wouldn’t do. That I was either being punished for something or that He didn’t exist. I didn’t understand why I would be punished, as I was straight A student in band and chess club and I made my mom take me to church. Why in the world would He be punishing me? And everyone around me told me that He existed, so I just tucked it away in the back of my mind and avoided it. I blamed Him for a lot of things and became angry and bitter, but didn’t want to deal with it. So I avoided it at all cost.
This led to my depression and anxiety getting worse. I began to self-harm and became suicidal. I was without hope. I felt abandoned by my dad, my old friends, and by God. I felt completely alone and unwanted. I felt unlovable. I felt worthless. I tried to cry out to God, but I didn’t know how and I wanted to figure it out on my own.
At a youth conference that I was dragged along to, I put my information down on a sheet of paper. Two weeks later I got a phone call asking if I wanted to go on a mission trip to Panama. That mission trip completely changed the way I viewed God and myself and how those two things interact with each other. While it would be a while to quit bad habits and to fully change things around, the process started there.
I started to see Jesus’ love for me and how He never really abandoned me. I just didn’t want to see Him. I could see Him in little things throughout my life that I didn’t think twice about. I could look back and see Him pursuing me, but I turned my face away.
It’s been a crazy roller coaster, but that’s all on my end. God has never changed. As I fall away, He picks me back up. As I feel alone, He softly reminds me of His presence.
Two years ago last month, I cut for the last time.
Three weeks ago, I fully proclaimed who He is and what He’s done in my life and got baptized.
Jesus is my favourite love. He IS love. He is the only one who could know and see all of my faults and love me the same. There are faults and sins that I am so scared to tell my future husband one day, but He already knows them, died for those sins, and continues to love me as I sin again and again.
And I promise that this love is not just for certain people, this love is for everyone.
If you have any questions, please let me know! I would love to talk more about this, give you more details, or try to answer any questions you may have!