Below I have included a journal entry I wrote May 30th, 2017 at 9:35 PM. I feel like I should because it displays how anxiety makes you doubt, but how it can also bring you to God’s glory. Anxiety and depression affects every area of your life. So, here it goes!
DISCLAIMER: please know that this is not always how I think, but rather when I’m ridden with depression and anxiety. I promise that I’m okay. I took a clonezepam in the middle of this. I really am okay. With Christ, I am okay. This is just me giving a glimpse of what depression/anxiety sounds like in my head. This is also not how anxiety and depression looks like in everyone, just my personal experience. 🙂 If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
God, I am angry. I am angry at You.
I feel alone. Isolated. Like no on could possibly understand the thoughts that go through my brain. I sometimes want to die, God. Why would I stay here much longer? There are brief moments of happiness drowned by my brain yelling at me that I am pointless. Useless. A burden. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I could barely make a decision on which tea to drink. I can’t. I literally can’t. How much longer do You need me here?
Maybe you’re not real. Maybe I’ve chosen to be a Christian because You made me feel not alone. But what if that’s all You are. What if You’re not listening to this prayer right now because You don’t exist? What then? Then everything I’ve lived for has been a waste. Then much of the stuff I’m currently doing is pointless.
What if you’re not real? If You’re not real, then the afterlife probably doesn’t exist and there’s no one to answer to and so me just killing myself is okay then. If You don’t exist, then life has no purpose. None. Absolutely none. I’m just a speck that doesn’t matter. My life currently has no value according to what society tells me is valuable. Then I’m useless not only to those around me, but to absolutely everyone. I’m a waste of resources. Then I am nothing but a person that takes up space. If that’s the case, why not just give up? If that’s possible, why not die?
If all of that is true, I see no real reason stopping me. Some people might be temporarily sad, but they lived before me and they’ll live after me.
BUT, if God does exist and Christ died for me… Then I have every reason to life. My life has purpose and meaning. God has me on this earth with a purpose of glorifying Him to the best of my abilities. Then I know that all of the reasons that I shouldn’t be here are more reasons to praise God. He might really want me here and for that mixed with Christ dying for my shame and my sin, I cannot kill myself. For I am created in love and with a purpose,.
Isn’t that beautiful?
God, it’s so hard to remember that You’re there. It’s so hard when there are voices in my head, screaming that I am useless and pointless and mean nothing to those who I am surrounded by. Even if it was true, and I was hated by those around me, You are above all of them. Your opinion and knowledge matters most.
Abba, help me to see You and glorify You more. I don’t know why I am the way that I am and why I have these mental health issues, but right now I will choose to trust You. I want to try to trust You always. You have the whole world in Your hands and I have nothing to fear with You by my side.
If anyone is in pain, he should pray. If anyone is joyful, he should sing praises – James 5:13.
If you are struggling with anything, please know that you are not alone. You are loved. You have purpose. Please reach out to those around you. I am here if you need to talk. Know that there is purpose to this life. You will be okay, even if it all feels dark. Pain is in the night, bu joy comes in the morning.
Thanks for reading!