I love testimonies. I’ve always loved testimonies, but my love for them was renewed on my mission trip to Los Angeles this past spring break. Just hearing how God works in different people’s lives is amazing. I think it’s also important to talk about how God brought you out of sin and darkness makes it harder for Satan to hold your past against you in the form of shame and guilt.
I am also a huge hypocrite.
When I say my testimony, I act like it is all in the past. Like I don’t struggle with these things anymore. You might not be able to tell that from my blog posts, because I don’t know most people who read this. No one I hang out with on a regular basis knows that this blog exists, and I wanted it that way so that I can put everything on here without worry.
But I carry around a lot of shame. Shame about past relationships and intimacy, shame about current suicidal thoughts and self-harm thoughts to the point of me being unable to tell my healthcare professional who prescribes me my medication… It’s not good. I am just so ashamed.
I feel that if I looked at any of my friends in the eye and told them that I have a wall of pictures to remind me of reasons to keep breathing (I’m going to write a blog post about it) and how often I need to use it, I wouldn’t deserve their love. I fear that they would just get up and leave. That they wouldn’t be able to handle my burden. That I would be a different person to them that they would feel like they wouldn’t know anymore if I said these things.
Like I would like to buy a pencil sharpener, since I am using my coloured pencils more often, but I don’t trust myself to keep it in my room. Last time I owned one, I took it apart and used it for self-harm. I would like to be able to ask my roommate if she would keep it in her room and give it to me when I need it, but I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about the thoughts.
Which creates isolation and more darkness.
Which makes me feel like I’m not good enough.
Which makes me worry even more about people leaving.
Shame is a dangerous thing. We are not meant to feel shame. You should feel remorse for sin and repent and give it to Jesus and then be done with it. But to carry it with you as a slight against yourself forever is not what is meant. That is not grace.
I hope that one day I’m able to tell those around me. I pray that I am given the courage to hand over this pain to Jesus. That I am able to hang it on the cross and trust Him. I keep thinking that whenever I get better, then I will be okay with talking about it. But if this is a mental illness, it may be with me forever. And that’s okay, as long as I know where to keep my hope. As long as I know where to find my strength and my joy. As long as I don’t let this shame consume me.
Please remember that if you need anyone to talk to, I am here. I will give you my email or there’s a contact me section or you can comment.
Thank you for reading.