Dear Future Husband,
Hi, it’s me. I’m Carrie and apparently you decided it was a good idea to put a ring on it. I will probably never understand why you thought it was a good idea, but I’m sure that I’m thankful for it daily.
I’m currently 21 and sitting in a coffee shop thinking about you. Thinking about if I currently know you or if I’m years from even knowing you exist.
I thought I’d write this so you’d have an idea of where I’m coming from. Of my thoughts from younger, single days.
I’m sure you know that I’m not a patient person. I’m working on it and someone at the nursing home I work at even told me I was patient yesterday! So I guess I can be patient in someways, but patiently waiting for you is not going well. I continually compare myself to the “In a Relationship” and “Got Engaged” Facebook posts that pop on my feed almost daily. While I am here. And I know in my head that God has a purpose for all of this and that everything will work out in His timing and it will be better than I could have forced, but man. It’s not going great.
And sometimes my impatience has led me to do things that might hurt you in the future. For those things, I am sorry. I try to force things, I do things that I hope will make people love me, and I’ve stuck around with people hoping I could force it to work and that I’d be happier with someone that wasn’t right than to be alone. For those things, I am sorry. I hope that I’ve continued to work on this patience issue and the insecurity that I have about not having someone.
Please know that you will not make me ultimately happy. No matter how many times you bring me flowers or let me pick what to watch on Netflix (Parks and Rec it is!) or do the dishes without me having to ask, you will not and cannot be my source of happiness. In fact, you will often be the source of frustration and anger and sorrow, as I expect I will occasionally be for you. Instead, I want you and I to push each other towards the One and Only source of our joy. Spoiler alert: That’s Jesus. Please oh please correct me and push me and I will try to do the same for you.
I want to apologize for what my past and anxiety will cause me to think from time to time. I will worry about our relationship falling apart. I will worry about you not thinking that I’m good enough for you. I will fret about you being too involved in your job. I will find reasons that you will stop loving me. My parents were married for 25 years before their marriage met it’s demise. Time is therefore not the ultimate reason why a marriage will work.
I also want to apologize for the times that I will lack grace and wisdom. For the times that I will pick fights because I’m mad about something else, for the times where I decide not to forgive you. For the times I will do things to find revenge in things that aren’t worth it. For my stubbornness. For the times that I will choose not to love you, but rather see you as an enemy.
Thank you for everything.
And if I grow old and find that you don’t exist, that God has decided that I can glorify Him more alone than with someone else, that’s okay too. Because as I said earlier, you are not the source of my joy, regardless of the lies rom-coms have asked me to buy into.
But for the sake of this letter, we’re going to pretend that you do exist.
Now, let’s go do something to glorify Jesus. Let’s praise Him with all of our hearts and show His love through the love we show each other.